It was just an ordinary day when Jake woke up. He yawned, stretched out his arms, and got out of bed to brush his teeth. But when he walked back into his room, something magical happened: his stuffed animals came to life.
"Mr. Goober?!" Jake exclaimed.
"Shhh," the soft brown bear cautioned. "Don't make too much noise."
"Yeah," chimed in Scrubbles, Jake's stuffed crab. "You don't want your mom to hear you!"
"Scrubbles?! You too?" Jake couldn't believe his eyes---or his ears.
"Jake," his mother yelled from the kitchen, "is something wrong?"
The stuffed animals stood still, worried they might be discovered by the grown-ups. "Uh, no, everything's fine," Jake said unconvincingly.
"OK, well your breakfast's almost ready!" his mom yelled.
Jake lowered his voice to speak with the animals. "You guys are alive?"
"It's not just the 'guys,' Jake," explained Bella, Jake's giraffe.
"Excuse me?" Jake inquired.
"You said 'you guys,' but I'm a girl giraffe, Jake!" explained Bella playfully.
"Shut the fuck up you feminazi bitch," replied Jake.
"Whoa!" exclaimed Mr. Goober. "It looks like someone's been spending a little too much time on certain political forums!"
"I can't believe this. You're all fucking fags," Jake said, disgusted.
"Jake, the words you just used are not just homophobic and misogynistic---they're also hurtful," explained McDoodles, Jake's stuffed monkey.
"McDoodles is right, Jake," added Scrubbles. "As a gay crab, words like the F-slur make me feel like you hate me because of my sexual orientation."
Jake calmly walked to his desk and pulled out his Swiss army knife.
“H-h-hold on there, Jake!” begged Mr Goober. “Why don’t we all take a minute to—Jake!”
Jake grabbed Mr. Goober by his head and squeezed. “This is what happens to liberal Democrats in my America.” Jake slowly sliced through Mr. Goober’s neck, bits of cotton pouring out as the stuffed bear screamed in agony.
The other stuffed animals stood completely still, staring in disbelief at Mr. Goober’s severed head.
“Now,” explained Jake, “the rest of you are going to do as I say.” Jake grabbed Bella. “Or else your fates will be the same as Mr. Goober’s.”
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Prep: 25 min.
