I was the most productive man in the world. My secret? be drunk all of the time I wake up at 5am and take a swig of whiskey. I check my email and delete all of them without even looking-- I'm too busy for this crap. next, I write an op-ed for the biggest paper in the country. My take? Everyone needs to shut up, and stop screwing everything up, especially the politicians. I microwave my steel cut oats -- 1 minute only, no water -- that's all I have time for. I chow down on my breakfast and wash it down with a glass of vodka. It's only 5:15 and i hit the road-- time to head to the office, at my job at the White House. I am the president's top advisor-- oh, and did I mention i make hit records? I have sold several of the best albums ever, but there's no time to talk about that now. the president wants to know what to do about the middle east. I don't have time for this bullshit. i tell him to nuke everybody - *especially* Israel. it's only 6am and I am already heading to my next job-- my work at the white house is done. I head to my office at Harvard University, where I write top papers and books, and I drink 7 beers on the way. my student comes in to meet about a test and I tell her to shut the fuck up and get out of my office--I'm busy. I am just finishing my book that will blow the lid off the entire field, and I only just started it last week. I have to give a lecture, but i cancel it. I have more important business. next I head to my job where I am a Mischelin-star chef, in fine dining and cuisine. I have mastered every cuisine and can make anything I want easily. cooking is boring to me now-- I finish off a plate of the finest sea scallops and foiagra, served over a beautiful pea puree and morell mushroom sauce-- just what the French snobs ordered. Time for another drink. It's 8am, and my idiot fucking son isn't even awake yet. I head home and pull out my gun and shoot his mattress 11 times. Then I reload and shoot everything in his room-- yeah, that'll wake him up. Next, I have to fly off to hollywood, to direct my best-selling film, but first, I need to stop in Chicago where I am the CEO of the most successful company in America. Then,