I was the most productive man in the world. My secret? be drunk all of the time
I wake up at 5am and take a swig of whiskey. i check my email and delete all of them without even looking-- i'm too busy for this crap. next, i write an op-ed for the new york times. my take? everyone needs to shut up, and stop screwing everything up, especially the politicians. I microwave my steel cut oats -- 1 minute only, no water -- that's all i have time for. i chow down on my breakfast and wash it down with a glass of vodka. it's only 5:15 and i hit the road-- time to head to the office, at my job at the white house. i am the president's top advisor-- oh, and did I mention i make hit records? i have sold several of the best albums ever, but there's no time to talk about that now. the president wants to know what to do about the middle east. i don't have time for this bullshit. i tell him to nuke everybody - especially israel.
it's only 6am and i am already heading to my next job-- my work at the white house is done. i head to my office at harvard university, where i write papers and books, and i drink 7 beers on the way. my student comes in to meet about a test and I tell her to shut the fuck up and get out of my office--i'm busy. i am just finishing my book that will blow the lid off the entire field, and i only just started it last week. i have to give a lecture, but i cancel it. i have more important business.
next i head to my job where i am a michelin-star chef, in fine dining and cuisine. i have mastered every cuisine and can make anything i want easily. cooking is boring to me now-- i finish off a plate of the finest sea scallops and foia graise, fresh for the french snobs. time for another drink.
it's 8am, and my idiot fucking son isn't even awake yet. i head home and pull out my gun and shoot him in the thigh-- yeah, that'll wake him. next, i have to fly off to hollywood, to direct my best-selling film, but first, i need to stop in chicago where i am the CEO of the most successful company in america. then,